lilmshartbraka

12:44 am: I do hate myself for losing
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Starin' at an empty room
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
And now dying doesn't seem to cruel
OH, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway, anymore

I hate myself for losing you
I'm seein' it all so clear
I hate myself for losing you
What do you when you look in mirror
And starin' at you is why he's not here

You got what you deserved
Hope your happy now
Cause' everytime I think of both of you
It's killin' me...inside
And now I dread each day
Knowin' that I can't be saved
From the loneliness of living without you
And, OH, I don't know what to do,
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew

OH, I don't know what to do
NOt sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
And, OH, I don't know what to say
And, I don't know anyway, anymore

What do you when you look in the mirror and starin' at you is why he's not here?
What do you say when everything you say is why he left you in the end?
How do you cry when every tear you shed won't even bring him back again?
I hate myself for loving you

02:54 am: Blank (The start)
I can taste your tears,
They're drowning me,
And I can feel you near,
It's haunting me,
I know that you hear me,
When I'm hiding inside myself,
I'm scared of what I see,
But I can't close my eyes
(I can't close my eyes)

Take me, Take me away from you,
Give me, give me something real to hold on to,
I'm going out of my mind and it's your fault,
Because I'm intoxicated by you

(You're everywhere, everywhere to me)
You're everywhere, everywhere to me

02:50 am: I Remember
I remember when we were so free,
And I remember when we were together,
And I remember, suddenly sweet memories,
And I remember.....I, I remember....

Holding on to these memories inside my head,
Believing on, to every word that you said,
Cause I remember, suddenly sweet memories,
And I remember, I, I remember

02:41 am: Dedication
I was hiding where no one could find me,
But you came along and found me out,
You came and took away all of my pain,
You took the fear of falling inlove,
Everything I see still reminds me,
I can't live without you,
Even when your away I can feel you,
I'm still falling inlove with you

I'll always be here for you,
If you'll always be here for me,
Take my hand, it will lead you through,
It'll be just me and you

Now we're close than ever,
We're together all the way through,
I gave you every single piece of me,
You gave me life in return,
You'll always have me and my soul,
I'll be forever holding you,
I'm never going to leave you,
I can't live without you,

I'll always be here for you,
If you'll always be here for me,
Take my hand and it will lead you through,
It'll be just me and you,

I was hiding where no one could find me,
You came along and found me out,
You came and took away all of my pain,
You took the fear of falling inlove,
Everything I see still reminds me,
I can't live without you,
Even when you're away I can feel you,
I'm...still....falling...inlove...with....you

02:14 am: The Next One
Hey! I've switched from Livejournal to Xanga.

So if ya had fun reading my journal's (why? I have no idea) check me out @ www.xanga.com/bassrockr05

Later tater!

11:01 pm: The Bottle Song
I was standing in the crowd
Middle of the moshpit
I knew without a doubt
48 May would rock it out
So I yelled out to Johnny
"Throw your bottle out to me!"

I got my bottle from the 48 May show
and I like to take it everywhere that I go
If I offered him my body, he'd say no
I got my bottle from the 48 May show

So to the girl that was standing next to me
I'm really sorry that you got to meet my knee
and to the girl that was fighting for it too
Hey, I still got it over you!

I got my bottle from the 48 May show
and I like to take it everywhere that I go
If I offered him my body, he'd say no
I got my bottle from the 48 May show


Crazy fan, it could be an obsession
but if you only knew
it could always happen to you
I don't care what you say
Jon's still hot anyway

11:35 pm: FINALS!
We got through! OMG! Finals here we come! We played our song yesterday (below), we had a lil trouble with our mic's at first, but then so rocked it out. Mom got some pics, so I'll get those up soon. We're just so stoked! Thanks for all those who came out and saw us (parents). Uhm, oh, thanks Josh-for the equipment, Daniel-for drumming for us last minute (YOUR THE BEST), James-thanks for supporting me hun!!!, Bernadette-thanks for the ride! You're an awesome mom (mum)!, Mom-for coming and missing church to see my play my rebellious music I LOVE YOU!, Jen-for keeping us together, and EVERYONE WHO CAME TO SEE US PLAY- Thanks so much guys! Ya'll are awesome! ROCK ON!

*Finals*
Place:
Time:
Date: Friday July 22
Cost: $15
Come ready to mosh!

12:49 am: Yesterday
Tomorrow's here
I miss you now
I'm trying to get you back
My mind's blank
All I can say is
Come back home

Yesterday,
When you were lying next to me
I'm counting down until I see you again
We're so far away
I'm falling now
I've had my wake up
I wish it still was yesterday

When tomorrow's gone
I'll still miss you
something's still wrong
When you're gone
Come back home

Yesterday
When you were lying next to me
I'm counting down until I see you again
We're so far away
I'm falling now
I've had my wake up
I wish it still was yesterday

I'm here, here waiting
I've only been yours
You said things would change
But I'm still waiting.....

08:23 pm: *~*ROCK ON*~*
Rockquest is on Sunday! AAAAAHHH! I'm so excited! YAY! I'm using Josh's Epiphone bass! THANKS SOOO MUCH JOSH! I LOVE YOU! Not really, but hey, whatever works. Josh said we have a good shot @ makin it. He said we're better than they were when they got in, and they got to make a c.d.out of it! Whoop whoop! We're practicing every chance we get. So for all those in Invercargill and Riverton, come see "Paiste" play @ Girls High Sunday @ 1:20! WE LOVE YAS!

OK, I'm going now!

08:16 pm: He thinks of His princess's like this......
well i want you to notice
to notice when i'm not around
and i know that your eyes see straight through me
and speak to me without a sound

I want to hold you
protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
the way that a father should love his daughter

when i walked out this morning
i cried as i walked to the door
i cried about how long i'd be away for
i cried about leaving you all alone

sweet zoe jane

so i wanted to say this
cuz i wouldn't know where to begin
to explain to you what i have been through
to explain where your daddy has been

11:04 pm: Behind These.....Brown Eyes.......LOL
Wow, the first time in a long time since I've posted so close together! Well, not alot has happend since Friday. Well, it has, but I'm sure the other party would'nt like it so much if I showed everyone in cyberworld what's been going on. But oh well. Well, work's going awesomely. We've had a few residents die lately, but other than that, I love going to see them 4 times a week, for 4 hours at a time. LOL. I LOVE WORK! School's awesome. Almost ball time! Yay, I can't wait. I don't know if I told you, but our theme is like medievil times. The hall is gonna look wicked! I'm getting detail put on my dress hopefully in the next couple weeks. James (my date) is gonna wear a pink tie. Hehe, hot! He came round' and ended up stayin the night. That was so fun! Some of my other mates ended up coming round' too and we watched Monster's Inc. Who does that?! LOL. James woke me up @ 9 this morning! I mean really! Ya just don't do that when it's a holiday and a day off school! ...Yeah! Uhm, yeah so anyways. I'm gonna go but anyhoo, hopefully I'll have more interesting things to talk about when I get on next time. Lots of love!

07:46 pm: We Belong Together
I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so
I should've held on tight, I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothin, I was stupid I was foolishI was lyin' to myself
I couldn't fathom I'd ever be without your love
Never imagined I'd sit here beside myself
Cause I didn't know you, didn't know me but I thought I knew everything, but I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling that now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch or taste your kiss cause I don't have a choice
Oh what I wouldn't give to have you lying here by my side
Right here

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
Cause we belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone til' the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better oh baby baby
We belong together

I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womacks on the radio,
"If you think you're lonely now"
What a minute this is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial tryin'to catch a break
And then I hear Babayface
"I only think of you"
It's breakin'my heart
I'm tryin to keep it together but I'm fallin apart

I'm feelin' all out of my head
I'm throwin'things, cryin
Tryin to make figure the hell I went wrong
And the pain in this song ain't even half of what I'm feelin inside
I need you need you back in my life baby

When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
Cause we belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone til' the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better oh baby baby
We belong together

02:02 am: I'm Still Here
Well Hello! It's been ages! I seem to forget about ya sometimes! Ok, well maybe alot but still! Well, anyhoo, here are some updates:

1. I'M 17! LOL. Big woop I know!

2. School's going awesome! I love being back. The ball's on August 6th. Can't wait! Got my dress just gotta get some more stuff! Aaah!

3. Work's slowed down alot. But hey, we all need a break from time to time.

4. I probably won't be whining on here anymore. I've had a break through. Not the one I want, but hey, gotta start somewhere.

5. I'm in a band! Oh yeah, lead singer and play bass. I've only seen 1 band where the lead singer's also the bassist. But hey whatever works! Rockquest is June 19th! Ah! And finals are in July.

Yeah that's about it really. I so can't wait to come home! It's killin me!
But anyhoo, I'm gonna go now. I Miss yas all!

Lots and lots and lots of love!

*HUgs and kisses*

02:58 am: Phew
Well well. It's been ages since I've been on here. Hmm...dont remember what the last thing I wrote about was. Let me check...........oh ok. LOL, anyhoo, although I'm gettin happy, which I haven't been for quite sometime, it's still really hard. I didn't realize how far I was from God. I guess I just got to the point that I was fooling everyone that I was the happiest person in the world, and in turn was also fooling myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired. And I finally realize that I need a break, I get myself to the point where I'm just so rock bottom, and I end up hurting someone cause I need this break. I'm just so ready for all this to be over. I'm ready. But, how can I go on? I'm lost, tired, and feel alone. I know I'm not, but it feels like it. I finally find something good to hold on to, and it just goes straight through my fingers. I can't remember a time I cried so hard. <--big baby. LOL. But, it's like I get to the point where I have to be strong for everyone else. and at the first sign of breaking point all those who I was being strong for just freak out at me. I guess this is why God told me to take a break from everything. Cause I needed it. Why am I the only one who understands I need it though. Well, I guess that's where fooling everyone else comes into it. Funny how that works. But, I guess in the end, I have no one else to blame but myself. Why did I get into this mess in the first place. Just goes to show, you really don't have control over it. Ya think ya do, then WHAM! It's gone.

*~*Special Note*~*
You know who you are, I'm sorry I said that I would never leave you. I'm not, although it may seem that way. Don't think for a sec. that I didn't love you. Cause I did every moment. I guess what I'm tryin to say is, I know we're for each other, it's just not the right time. I'm hurting as much/more. But, I do love you. You did once say that if our love couldn't over come it, it wasn't love at all. I believe it. If we can't overcome this time apart, it wasn't love at all. I've made you love someone who wasn't me. My hopes are that you will one day love me, the real me that you have yet to know. So, to you I'm sorry.

11:05 pm: Ah, I'm back!
Hello! It's been a while. Well, let's see, what don't ya know? Do ya know I got a job? Well, I've had for about 2 months now! Love it! So, I'm going into nursing now. Uhm, David was blessed with an awesome job! I'm soooo proud of him! Yay God! You're awesome! Only a week and 4 days til payday, and I can get my new phone. Yay! Lookin at a car. It's awesome! Just gotta get the money for it! LOL. Uhm, another anuncement, but you can't know yet. Hopefully it'll still go through. Yeah, that's about me at the moment. Still living for God all the way, loving life and my babe! What more could I ask for! God's good!!!

06:28 pm: Detox sucks!
Detox diets suck! I've had a headache for the past 3 days, well, until yesterday, when I cheated and had some cake. LOL. Ah!
Anyhoo, my updates:
1. Did I tell you I got a job? Well, I did. It's great! I'm training as a nurse at Longwood Lifestyle Village. It's a nursing home. LOL. I really love it though.
2. We're going to Australia the 15th-22nd. OMG! It's gonna be sooo great! (I wish you could come babe!)
3. I'm making lots of money. Which knowing me will all be spent, but hey, just knowing ya have some, it's great.
4. I'm missing my boyfriend terribly! I'm in love with him now more than ever. I was reading over his LiveJournal's and just seeing how in love with God he was! It makes me look at my life. I know I haven't been the best girlfriend, or the best Christian, but I know today's a new day.
5. I have decided to be dedicated to everything I put my hand to. EVERYTHING.

I'm going to face some of my fears in Aus. AAhhh! Yeah, and I'll have pictures of facing those fears too! Hopefully my doc. will let me bunji jump! OOOh please! Stupid bridges! Jumping off them should be illegal! LOL!

Anyhoo, that's me for today, but I'll update more often. I'm on the net all the time anyways! LOL...
LATER TATER!

09:20 pm: What......??????
What is it with parents? They can say all the hurtful stuff, and let's not forget the comebacks, but if you throw one back in their face, you might as well have tied red meat to your body and jumped out in the middle of the ocean. Because God forbid you say anything that would hurt their feelings! Man, I mean really! Well, what can ya do? Because if you do say something they just make ya feel like poo. But because they're the parent, you can't dare say anything to the "parent". "Because I'm the parent and your the child". Whoever came up with that should be shot! They just ruined the generations of childrens life. But in saying that I feel alot better that I said all that on here. I'd hate to go on a guilt trip. I'm too tired from the other one! Ha! (da da dun chhh) Well, that's my vent for the night. Good night dear void!

07:35 pm: A Dream Come True
Feelings that once were hidden
Are now expressed to you.
Days that once were stormy
Are now the brightest blue.

Times that once were lonely
Are now filled with pleasure.
All that once was mine alone
Are now things we both treasure.

Nights that once were cold
Are now comforting and warm.
Fears that once were very real
Are now gone with the storm.

A heart that once was broken
Can now finally mend.
A person once alone in life
Can now call you a friend.

Dreams that once were longed for
Are now all coming true.
The love I once thought was gone
I have now and forever in you.

08:24 pm: This one I did write!
Today's the day
I'm giving my heart away
I stare at my mirror reflection
And think of all todays perfection
My dress is white your tux is black
There's no way that I'll turn back
I step out of the room into the hall
I feel at any time I could fall
I step infront of the doors that lead the way
That lead the way to your lovely face
The doors open and you look up
In an instant your face lights up
I begin to walk your way
i have so much I want to say
I finally make it to where you stand
And you take me by the hand
We speak to each other what's in our heart
Of how we promise not to part
On our hand is a symbol of love
Sent from the One who is above
We seal out vows with a kiss
One rememberd of eternal bliss
We take our first step as husband and wife
And the starting of our new life
But then the bells of wedding charm
Turn into my morning alarm
Although I wake up with a glowing beam
It was all just a dream

04:41 am: Being In Love
Is it the feeling you get when you think of that person?
Is is it the butterflies you get when you are about to see that person?
Or is it the longing to see them after you have just left their presence>
Is it the wishing to talk to them after your "goodbye" on the phone?
Is it what brings a tear to your eye when the thought of being apart comes to mind?
Is it what brings a smile to your face when you think about being together?
Could it be what makes you think backward?
Is it what makes you wanna yell at the top of your lungs in the middle of a crowd?
Or make you wanna climb the tallest mountain, swim the widest ocean, or walk the longest desert?
If it is any of these, then my dear,
I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!

Love you forever and always!